Cut Your Hair and Get Off My Grass! Or don’t.

According to recent studies, the Army’s decision to allow lipstick, nail polish, earrings, and ponytails in uniform has caused an increase in heart attacks in older Veterans with the rank of 1SG and above. This rise in blood pressure has also been attributed to a rise in global temperature and melting of the numerous glaciers. While goth Soldiers, Loreal, and Revlon are ecstatic, there are numerous reports of Sergeants Major all over the country barricading themselves in their houses, canceling their Army Times subscription, and screaming “not in my Army.”

As one of those grumpy, get off my grass screamers, while I spent time cooped up by my “I Love Me” wall remembering the good ole days of tight haircuts, starched uniforms, spit-shined boots, and barracks inspections, I thought about how this would affect these Warriors when they transition into Chapter 3 of their lives. I came to the conclusion, right before my cardiac cath to remove the new blockage the article had caused, that it is probably better for those who grow up in this new Army when they get out.

Now, before the Commandant of the Sergeants Major Academy flys to my house to repo my graduation ring, let’s look at this objectively. Let’s go back to, as my rank loves to say, “when I was a Soldier.” The Army spent anywhere from 13-50 weeks taking away your individual identity during Basic Combat Training and Advanced Individual Training. The “opening ceremonies”, also called a Shark Attack, took away all your civilian clothing, walkman, camera, and a picture of whomever you left behind. During that time period, you were always with at least one other Warrior, your Battle Buddy, and larger formations of people. There was no more “me” or “you”; there was only “us” or “the unit.” And so it continued throughout our Initial Entry Training on a large scale, and then a smaller scale once you got to your regular units. But it continued. Control over what you could have in your barracks room, when you could go on leave, where you could go on leave, where you could go to drink at night, etc. Your barracks room was set up a certain way with smiley-faced socks and all patches to the door. Only some of you will know what that last sentence means.

Look, I am not that old, but the leadership’s mantra back then, when you had a girlfriend or boyfriend issue was, “if the Army wanted you to have a spouse, they would have issued you one, troop.” True story. The uniformity of everything is not just an irrational decision like this decision might be, it was based on combat effectiveness. Head and facial hair were a certain length and style to accommodate the current protective masks and various headgear that were issued to everyone alike. But, intangibly speaking, it was about uniformity driving loyalty to others, not-self. If uniformity is no longer enforced, rather allowed to change based on “we asked them what they want”, a popularity contest at the Sergeant Major of the Army level, then you are taking away the very essence of loyalty, discipline, and selfless service. If equipment, e.g. headgear and protective masks change, fine, change the rule. But, not because “we all voted.” That in itself undermines the authority of leadership when it is not important what history, duty, honor, and integrity mean, rather a consensus. Many forget the Army is not a Democracy or a Republic, we serve it. So, SGM DTB, aka SGMB2 (because my Dad was SGMB1) , disagrees wholeheartedly with most of this decision, in principle and in reason, for the sake of our Army and Nation.

However, retired SGM DTB, may actually agree with this for the sake of the Warrior in Chapter 3. When the Warrior is broken down in Chapter 2, had his identity more or less removed, given the same uniform, pay, rules, schedule, job, etc. he has a very difficult time transitioning into Chapter 3. In Chapter 3, we no longer have all of those things, that weren’t really ours, but the Army never gave the original us back to us. The Central Issue Facility, while complaining about the seven year old cold weather jacket that I had lost and now had to pay for, never issued me a personality (careful now) or an identity. This is likely why so many Warriors live in the past, the glory days, “back when I was in”, have their DD-214 on the rear window of their truck, Grunt-style t-shirts, and beaucoup military tattoos, annnnd, have a hard time transitioning.

We all know the Warrior whom, in Chapter 2, never really fit in. They were always talking about “when I get out…”, complained about why their hair had to be so short or in a bun, “insert a host of other E4 Mafia complaints here”, and had no problem transitioning. It is because they never let their identity get removed, and likely didn’t last long in service either.

Things have changed. Now, the initial onslaught of smokey-the-bear hat-wearing screaming NCOs no longer conduct the Shark Attack. Back when I was in (block checked) it was a legit swarming of killer bees, for most of Initial Entry Training. The rationale is similar to the reasons for this change to the almighty bible, AR 670-1; maintaining self, individuality, a sense of belonging outside the gated-base. The Shark Attack completely separated you from Chapter 1 of your life, likely in a poor way. You probably had no skills to deal with this, breaking you down instead of just adding to it. Maybe the brighter idea is to train you and equip you with the skills necessary to deal with extreme stress, an overload of sensations, and the impossibility of accomplishment of the mission.

But here we are, and while the last few Sergeant’s Major of the Army have, in my opinion, made a litany of poor decisions, mostly uniform related, based on popularity and a misguided concept of Democracy in the ranks, and conformance with society, this decision will likely, in the end, help Warriors transitioning to Chapter 3 while simultaneously putting current retired senior NCOs in the hospital for cardiac-related events. These young Warriors, no longer stripped to the bone of identity, searching desperately for life after Service, may just easily slide into civilian life without a hiccup. I’m sorry USASMA Class 50, I can ultimately say this will be good, in the long run, for the Warrior, but not his profession though.

—SGM DTB—